this is gonna be a slight different post than i usually do and its probably gonna be a long one, so grab yourself a cuppa and get cosy. normally i don’t really talk about more personal things. i love talking about beauty and fashion and everything materialistic and don’t get my wrong, i love it but theres always something different to a person and today i decided to share something more personal with you. first off all, i am very grateful for everything i have and very content with that. i come from a super loving and caring family and my relationship with them is beautiful, i have a super cosy apartment with my super supportive boyfriend who i love to pieces, i have a great group of close friends, i study something i love and have a great job that goes with it and i love being creative on my blog and channel and i am forever grateful for you guys but there has been something missing lately. 
lets start of in the beginning. i always have been a normal girl body wise. i might had some chubby cheeks as a little girl but i was never overweight or anything. just normal. i also have been really sportive all my life. from dancing to gymnastics, i loved doing things and most importantly, i loved horses and riding and i was quite happy with myself. even though all my life i have been quite a perfectionist and i easily give myself a hard time. when i had to go to high school everything kinda changed for me. all those girls were rocking on trend clothing, make up and had boyfriends and i was just focused on school, doing well in my sports, keeping in mind that i was very good at riding and did a lot of competitions, and having a good time with my family and friends. due to body changes and stuff in my teenage years i gained some weight and was very, very upset about myself and my body but i was willing to change that. my family is very active and we all eat really healthy so i decided to join a gym for women and do yoga alongside with my riding and watch my eating a bit more and after some months, i lost all the weight i gained and got very fit and healthy.

 but for some reason this lifestyle change spiraled into something else all off the sudden. i found myself having a really unhealthy relationship with food and body images and everything got out of control. the boyfriend i had at the time didn’t help at all and i was very unhealthy and very upset for quite a while. i remember feeling trapped and weak, not able to love myself and everything around me. it took me a while to realize that i couldn’t live like that and that i needed to get my spark back. with a lot of help from my family i got out of the situation that nearly consumed me and could have ended in something way worse. i ended the relationship and found my love for food and my body again. since it really damages your body if you starve yourself its hard to get a normal metabolism and my weight kind yoyoed for almost a year but i stayed strong and got a healthy weight back and i have been the same weight for two years. i eat quite healthy since my stomach likes to produce too much acid when i’m stressed and even though i have so many thing i love, i lately haven’t been loving myself. i started feeling very upset about my body again. i find confidence comes with age and i love myself tons more compared to my 15 year old self or even my 18 year old self and i’m strong enough to keep my relationship with food awesome. its good for me and i like eating. thats it. a few months ago i decided enough is enough and i was ready for a change. due to my new job i had a lot more time to myself so i wanted to do something productive.

i decided to join a close by gym. my work out has been slacking lately and since i love being active i find going to the gym is the perfect way for me to do something for my body as i can basically go whenever i want so it fits perfectly. i know confidence doesn’t only come from being fit and lean and i surely don’t want to be a size 0 which i probably never will be as i have hips and boobs and i like both of them but i also know that i can change the way my body feels and looks by trying to get a bit more active. i don’t really know where i’m going with this. i think what i want to say is that everyone sometimes is less confident and that i worry about my body too. honestly, something i always wanted is feel confident in my bikini in the summer. that is my goal and i will work for it and share that journey with you. i also started it off with a vlog so you can watch that if you want. i also might do a vlog channel. let me know what you think…about this post and about my ideas. i felt quite nervous to share something like that with you and its still scaring me. so please be nice.

click here to watch the vlog 

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